Beat off no more
Red Sox Notebook
Cries of flavorism prompts change to “unadorned” bagels
Computer fad nearing its end; will be replaced by robots
Scientists determine there are no funny numbers
Pee-Wee Herman jokes declared funny again
Cap'n Crunch to be court-martialed
Beat Off No More:
A profile of a lesser-known beat generation poet, including the final journal entries
The recent deaths of Allen Ginsberg and William S. Burroughs further sadden the passing of Victor Blankly last Tuesday. A lesser-known poet of the so-called “beat generation,” Blankly distinguished himself by writing exclusively in Pig Latin, a tongue he referred to as “the only truly pure anguage-lay.” Blankly will no doubt take to his grave his theory that days of the week were named as tribute to the ancient space visitors he called “Pig-Latinos” -- named Dmon, Dtues, Dwednes, etc.
Thrust into celebrity by his epic 1957 poem, “Deconstructing the Cottage Cheese (Small Curd),” Blankly suffered a mental breakdown when he prove unable to work with large curds. He experimented with chives and low-fat curds, failed, and descended into a seven-year addiction to rabies vaccine -- to his dying day, Blankly crusaded against halter-tops for fear they would reveal the track marks beside his navel.
At his absolute nadir, Blankly found himself in an abusive relationship with an ill-tempered box of odor-eaters. The ensuing romance left him sole-less, penniless, and destitute, yet shockingly aromatic.
Contemporary Jack Kerouac housed the ailing poet, but relations grew strained because of Blankly’s habit of urinating exclusively in unused milk cartons (“the only truly pure oilet-tay”) and his insistence on referring to Kerouac as “big guy.” Eventually he landed a job making babies cry for television shows, and wrote sporadically until his death last week, ironically, of rabies.
In a Weekly Week exclusive, we present previously unpublished excerpts from Victor Blankly’s journal, as well as academic commentary by some guy with a British accent and a beard who wears a tweed coat and drops Latin words into casual conversation and gets very upset if you pronounce it, “nucular.”
Ahem:
“December 22, 1986: Today I will have eggs. Whenever I eat eggs I feel as if I am eating an abortion. Imagine how I must feel when I eat placenta. Perhaps Shredded Wheat would be the Christian thing to do, no? The toils of vitamin intake in the modern era! Fazzah!”
A clear allusion to the Wobbling Heads, the powerful militia group who believed themselves chickens. Blankly at one time supported their movement to make “The Chicken Dance” the national wedding party dance, but withdrew after the brutal “Bunny Hop Massacre” of 1973. The Heads later inspired the title of Blankly’s musical comedy, “Purdue or Pur-Die,” which originally featured chickens performing in the pit orchestra.
“January 17, 1988: I tear my pants upon the thorns of life; I sew. Incidents like this make me fear I will one day die, perhaps before the end of my life, even.”
A remarkable insight, especially considering the fact that Blankly did indeed later die. It’s almost as if he had some sense of precognition to comprehend that he was not immortal. This is a sure sign that Blankly’s intelligence was simultaneously acute, obtuse, and a right angle.
“March 6, 1990: Woke up. The vast majority of my days begin like this. Why? WHY? What if I were to begin my day by falling asleep and end by waking up? Tomorrow I shall attempt this and then we shall know which is what and where is how many.”
Challenging the concept of time points to Blankly’s anti-establishment nature, which also explains his supermarket practice of eating others’ coupons. (Sharp-shooters often had to use a price-gun to disable him before anyone got hurt; once, a Haitian immigrant accidentally purchased Blankly for $2.79, mistaking him for an avocado. Critics still disagree whether or not he ever was made into guacamole.)
“August 2, 1997: Orwell, C. Scott, Jefferson, Washington, Costanza, M. Cohen, Eliot, the Animal Steele, Custer, Jetson...“
We cannot be sure of what caused his sudden preoccupation with Georges on Aug. 2. We do know it began a pattern that lasted through his dying day; having covered Jeffs, Jerrys, Janes, Jonahs, and Ginas, Blankly boldly attempted Jiminys when he began foaming at the mouth. He had spelled Cricket 14 different ways before collapsing.
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Red Sox Notebook
FAREWELL TO FENWAY?
The pressure to move the Red Sox to a new ballpark has been signficantly escalated after the reign of terror that began with Mo Vaughn hitting a fastball into the Green Monster at Fenway, and ended with the Green Monster terrorizing the city.
“The seating shortage at Fenway is definitely a problem,” said Sox owner Joe Harrington, “but the threat of monster attack is a far more serious concern. For one thing, a giant beast devouring innocent bystanders could lead other fans to do likewise, which would cut into concessions. Plus, a digested fan can’t spend money.”
The public outcry at the pillaging has been negative, as public outcries towards unusually displays of mass violence often are. A recent Gallup poll showed that 76 percent of Red Sox fans fear the wrath of the Green Monster who, until Tuesday, was merely a shortened wall. Only 13 percent have a preexisting fear of shortened walls.
“I’m not coming back,” said an angry Tony Halfont, 32, who has been a Sox fan since three years before he was born. “I got enough problems without Godzilla or whatever eating my kids like they was Chiclets.” When it was pointed out that you’re not supposed to eat gum, Halfont had no publishable comment.
So does this mean the Sox will move? “Can you repeat the question?” Harrington replied before making static noises with his nose and hanging up.
One thing is certain: the Red Sox will not relocate to South Boston. Their recent bid to build a stadium there was blocked by Jesse Helms (R-NC) who refuses to hold a hearing on the issue. Helms (LF) has offered to hold a herring, but nobody seemed interested.
DUQUETTE ANNOUNCES NEW STRATEGY
In a surprise move, general manager Dan Duquette has announced plans to trade Mo Vaughn, Nomar Garciaparra, Reggie Jefferson, and every other player who shows any real ability. Duquette cited “rebuilding” as his rationale.
But in fact, he’s gotten rid of everyone.
“There’s a fine tradition in Boston of trading away great players which dates all the way back to the Babe Ruth thing,” Duquette said in press conference held in contempt of court. “We feel that by making a similar set of bonehead decisions, we can use the ‘two-negatives-make-a-positive rule’ and reverse the Curse erst it gets worse.”
Duquette’s hard-rhymin’ refers to the so-called “Curse of the Bambino,” which has supposedly kept the Red Sox out of the World Series since trading Babe Ruth. After experimenting with witchcraft and ouija boards, Duquette has decided to take what he calls “the ‘Saturday Night Live’ approach,” by firing the entire team except for Tim Meadows.
The bold move almost makes sense after losing Roger Clemens and Jose Canseco last season. “If we get rid of everyone who’s any good,” said an excited Duquette, “all we’ll have is bad. But in some parts of the country, ‘bad’ is slang for ‘good,’ right?”
G. E. Smith could not be reached for comment.
MISCELLANY
* Since memorizing all the words to “99 Red Balloons” in German, Troy O’Leary has hit .371 and can fly.
* Tim Wakefield has eaten at least 15 oysters every day since losing a 5-2 series to the Orioles in June.
* Against left-handed pitchers without facial fair who have been in fist-fights within the last week and are allergic to penicillin but don’t have a tendency to bite their tongues while eating balogna, John Valentin is 3 for 5.
* The longest Red Sox streak was by the Incorrigible Dream team of 1967 who ran the Boston Marathon in nothing but sandals and batting helmets.
* Jimy Williams only has one “m” is his first name.
* The bat Carl Yastremski used in his final plate appearance was the same bat that spooked Bruce Wayne as a child.
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Cries of flavorism prompts change to “unadorned” bagels
Starting Friday, you won’t be able to order a “plain bagel” at Dunkin Donuts. You’ll have to order an “unadorned bagel.” It’s the same food, but the name is regarded by bagel activists as more sensitive to baked good community. Many across the country are rejoicing, while others say this upholds centuries of flavorist policies.
“This is a victory not just for bagel-lovers, but for donut-loyalists, cruller-fanatics, and all devotees to bakery items that have been demeaned over the years by oppressive vending classifications,” said Tony Jottorio, chairman of the Rainbow Pastry Coalition. “It’s no longer a dough or die situation.”
The change was brought about after a boycott of Dunkin Donuts by protesters who felt that the term “plain” was too judgmental.
“‘Plain bagel’ is a politically loaded term,” said Isaac Silverstein, president of the Bagel Equality Front (BEF). “Is a bagel without onions or blueberries really less important than one with such accouterments? Is one flavor of bagel truly the master flavor? Plain means ordinary and bland, and we believe a bagel should not be judged by the color of its crust, but by the content of its ingredients.”
The BEF campaign against Dunkin Donuts featured the catch-phrase, “Bagels are bagels; let’s avoid a ‘plain’ crash.” Silverstein publicly blasted the company for its “flavorial slurs,” and led a march on the steps of Fred the Baker’s house, where he suggested to the thousands of marchers, “They should change their name from Dunkin Donuts to Ku Klux Krullers.”
Fred the Baker, Dunkin Donuts’ Senior Baker Emeritus, decided enough was enough and convinced the company to change their name to Ku Klux Krullers. After anonymous threats of copyright infringement and a burning coffee-pot planted at Dunkin Donuts headquarters, the unadorned bagel was born.
“Murray Lender would be proud,” Silverstein noted. “Bagels of the world, unite!”
The praise has not been universal, however. The renegade Cinnamon-Raisin Bagel Freedom-Fighters (CRBFF) publicly decried this victory for champions of the unadorned as an act of institutional flavorism. At a CRBFF press conference, Minister Moshe X issued the following statement:
“These pure-bred Aryan bagels are merely another step back toward baked goods slavery. This is the work of the flavorist establishment, and it deals another blow to minority bagels everywhere. Say it loud, I’m Cinnamon-Raisin and I’m proud. We don’t need to change the name to draw attention to our plight. The chickens have come home to eat.”
Groups hoping to change the name of plain cream cheese see this victory as a ray of hope. But Silverstein merely dismisses the effort as “a bunch of losers with nothing better to do than protest stupid names.”
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Computer fad nearing its end; will be replaced by robots
(NOTE: written as part of The Weekly Week's 1984 edition)
That Apple IIE on your desk probably won’t be useful in five years, say industry analysts. More powerful computers may come along, but it doesn’t matter — insiders have predicted that computers are on their way out and will be replaced by robots by the year 1988.
Joe Shamponella was a vice president at the fledgling company Microsoft until he jumped ship six months ago to head up the Shambot robot project. “Can a computer walk around?” he asked during a phone interview, in which he was interviewed by an AT&T rotary telephone. “Can a computer mix you a gin and tonic? Can a computer dance to the latest Culture Club smash hit? I don’t think so. And I don’t think it ever will be able to. A robot, though, now that can do your taxes while it irons your Sasson jeans. And that’s gonna be a bigger winner than Gary Hart.”
Shamponella cited computers’ clunkiness, complaining that “they’re not portable, they’re not fast, and they don’t provide access to naked pictures of Loni Anderson. Really, robots will dominate computers in much the same was as Betamax will ruin the VHS market.”
Recently distributed into households around the country, “computers” are large boxes that look like a typewriter with a TV on top. They act as giant calculators that also play games and allow young children to become nerds at a younger age than ever before. “Robots” are computerized people who are superior to humans in every way except that none have been developed to look like Loni Anderson.
“We’ve got a Vanna White and a Christie Brinkley, but Loni’s a problem,” says Shamponella.
Not everyone is convinced. Steve Jobs, head of the Apple Computers, believes that robots pose a real threat to society. “You don’t have to worry about the Apple IIE staging a hostile rebellion against civilized society. Sure, household robots probably won’t be equipped with surface-to-air missiles, but I wouldn’t put it past the robots to set small fires, abduct children, and guzzle WD-40 like it’s water. You want one of those mating with your Zenith?”
Industry analysts have speculated that robots will soon become commercially available, replacing unskilled laborers like mail carriers, garbage collectors, and US Senators. “We’ve even developed a robot who can sexually harass female robots,” says Shamponella. “Once we figure out how to get a robot to take money from tobacco companies and complain about gay robots, we have a pretty good chance at founding a Robocrat political party.”
When questioned about the possibility of robots enslaving humans, Shamponella hedged. “I wouldn’t say there’s a great danger,” he said. “I would just advise people not to engage in any flagrant anti-robot activities, like building giant electromagnets or buying Apple computers. In fact, I seem to remember one robot saying that Apple computer owners would be the first people who’d be turned into robot-food.”
Even President Reagan seems interested, vowing to build robots that would sniff out and destroy communists, and musing on the idea of enlisting a robot militia to level Libya. “Nancy and I are very excited about the idea of robots in this great American society of ours,” the President said. “In addition, I’ve heard that robots are shiny. I like shiny things. Do you want to see my new pencil-case?”
As for computers, they seem destined to go the way of the dodo and John Travolta, two extinct creatures.
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Scientists determine there are no funny numbers
Math community laughs at the assertion
BALTIMORE -- Numbers that are really large or have extended decimal places are not implicitly funny, said a report issued yesterday by the President’s Council on Giggling (PCOG). “In fact, there are no funny numbers whatsoever,” read the report. “They do not exist. Don’t even go looking for them because you’ll waste your time and feel like a failure and won’t even get to laugh along the way. You really should get some sleep.”
Ever since the creation of Mad-Libs, scientists have been looking for funny responses to the “number” category. “Most people tend to go really either really high of really low,” explains Jeffy-Jeffy Coke, PCOG Czar. “The end result it usually something like, ‘Then we ate 7 zillion donuts’ or ‘My .0041 friends arrived.’ But those aren’t funny. Sure, you’re laughing, but that’s only because I put nitrous oxide in your coffee.”
PCOG researchers plugged in suspected funny numbers like 4,672,302, 7.42, pi, and even a googolplex. To ensure accurate results, there was also a control group that used proven unfunny numbers like 2, 7, and 5. Mad-Libs using these numbers were read to the UPN studio audience, who are reputed to laugh at just about anything
The results were astonishing: no numbers induced laughs except when a fat man read off the number 19.2 while slipping on a banana peel. “The googolplex made us giggle, too, but that’s more a funny word than a number,” explained Coke. “Googolplex -- tee hee!”
PCOG’s report even discredited the long-held postulate that negative numbers create prolonged chuckles. “We found that a majority of negative number laughs also involved a feather being passed along the bottom of the foot simultaneously,” said Coke. “Feathers make people laugh even if the Mad-Libs line is ‘Suddenly -801 people flatulently burst into the room.’ Actually, flatulence is very funny. But -801? I see no humor in that.”
Members of the math community are outraged. Xavier Hoggleboggle, secretary general of Denomi-NATO, ascribed the skewed results to a lack of proper mathematical training. “I wouldn’t expect PCOG to find the truly funny numbers,” he said over the phone even though he was right next to me. “You can’t just find a funny number without much effort. Like 777,777,777.1 -- that’s funny.”
“No it isn’t,” replied Coke when presented with Hoggleboggle’s remarks.
“Sure it is,” maintained Hoggleboggle beforehand, predicting in advance Coke’s response. “It’s not as funny as some of the adverbs the Germans have developed, but it’s pretty good. Numbers aren’t automatic gut-busters like those chemically altered plural nouns, but they can be pretty funny in their own right.”
When questioned, a spokesman for the Mad-Libs Corporation said, “We at Mad-Libs find this situation very (adjective). Several of our (plural noun) were up all night (verb)-ing to solve this (noun). At first I thought, ‘(Exclamation),’ but (number) percent of Mad-Libs readers are (adverb) running to buy more products.”
(Person in the room) could not be reached for comment.
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Pee-Wee Herman jokes declared funny again
Ruling encourages recycling humor
In a surprise move Tuesday, the National Joking Commission ruled that jokes about Pee-Wee Herman are funny again. In addition, jokes concerning the space shuttle Challenger, Charles Stuart, and Bernie Goetz were declared high gigglers, several topics including Chia and Cher’s butt tattoo were voted grin-inducing, and the line “I’d tell you but I’d have to kill you” remains unfunny.
But the Pee-Wee rider was the most influential.
The acting career of Paul Reubens, aka Pee-Wee Herman, was effectively ended when he was caught masturbating at a movie theater. “We suspect he was watching Free Willy,” said Arthur Gagne, chairman of the NJC, “because his willy was certainly free! See, that’s funny stuff. That’s what it’s all about, people.”
Jokes surrounding the former children’s show host had merely elicited annoyed groans for the past several years, with references to him believed to be as current as Hyper-color and as humorous as Schindler’s List. “That’s not a funny movie,” said Steven Spielberg. “That’s not even a funny comparison. You’re likening the slaughter of 6 million Jews to some guy choking his chicken?”
Bad news for Spielberg, though: the ruling states that Pee-Wee jokes are in, which means that the comparison to the Oscar-winning drama is not just funny, but very funny, according to the NJC “overstatement = hardy-har” clause. Director Spielberg could not be reached for further comment because he was standing on a chair and the reporter was really really short.
Standup comics everywhere celebrate the decision.
“Woohoo!” said Ed Harkin, a Boston comedian who’s struggled for material since the early ‘90s. “I can bring back my Pee-Wee’s wee-wee stuff, my Need Another Seven Astronauts bit [eugene - please boldface the first letters to spell out NASA], and maybe even my Kitty Dukakis on Neosporin routine.” This last line refers to pending legislation that would okay Kitty jokes, providing they’re followed by two farts jokes and a racial slur.
“For a minute, I thought I was going to have to come up with new material,” Harkin said between rude armpit noises. He praised the NJC (who he called “a bunch of micks”) for its efforts to save the earth. “By recycling great jokes about no-longer-current events, we’ll decrease the energy wasted on thinking up new material, and eventually global warming will disappear faster than Tanya Harding’s career.”
Figure skating jokes were ruled kind of funny, but worth a smile or two. Jeff Gillooly is only funny if you’re David Letterman. David Letterman is only funny if you’re Paul Schaeffer. Paul Schaeffer is only funny if you’re retarded.
But the standup community isn’t wholly convinced. “I’m not wholly convinced,” said a spokesperson for the standup community.
When President Clinton was questioned on the Pee-Wee ruling, he responded, “The American people know what they want to laugh at, and the NJC has followed their mandate. In this day and age, we all must be master of something, and Mr. Herman had bation. So laugh, laugh like our forefathers did.” White House press secretary Michael McCurry added, “It was a fine decision, and we’re very proud of the Commission. Paula Jones is a slut.”
Chairy could not be reached for comment.
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Cap’n Crunch to be court-martialed
Investigation uncovers war crimes against the Soggies
ALLSTON-PURINA -- Cap’n Crunch, one of America’s most-loved military officials, will be issued a dishonorable discharge within the next two weeks, said a spokesperson for the U.S. Army. The fate of the cereal named after him has yet to be determined.
Crunch’s military career was thrust into peril recently when three Soggie refugees stepped forward to reveal unnecessary cruelty and abuse at the hand of the Cap’n. A recent CNN/Time Magazine investigation uncovered that Crunch may have even used nerve gas on Soggies.
“Maybe I used nerve gas, maybe I didn’t,” explained a jovial Crunch on the phone from his Beverly Hills Estate. “Those damned Sogs are a threat to our way of life. Our forefathers died for our right to eat crunchy cereal, and if you let the Sogs take over one bowl, they start soggifying everything. They killed Tony the Tiger, they crippled Snap, and nobody’s seen Dig’em the Frog in months.”
The death of Tony the Tiger, who drowned in a pile of damp cereal in 1995, has remained controversial. Though deemed a flake accident, many have cried foul, placing blame on Soggie extremists.
The National Association for the Advancement of Soggie-Americans (NAASA) deny these allegations, claiming that Crunch is just using them as scapegoats, trying to further tarnish their image. “He tortures and dries out a bunch of Soggies, and then calls us evil? I don’t think so,” said Ug Blogg, NAASA chairman.
Priv’t Fritz Crunch began his military service when he was drafted for mess hall service in Vietnam. After proving an extremely efficient killing machine, and also quite a chef, he was reassigned to a new platoon under the guidance Colonel Sanders. It was there that Crunch quickly advanced from Priv’t to Corp’l, Sarg’nt, and eventually to his current rank of Cap’n. In the late ’70s, Crunch withstood a blast of sog that sent his eyes permanently into the brim of his hat. Fellow soldiers said it only made him stronger.
“He was quick with a pistol, and quite strong despite his extremely short stature,” explained Sanders back in a 1989 drunken rant from his sand-box. “Crunchy also developed some amazing weapons -- I don’t think we could have won back in ’Nam without Crunch-Berries. He’s a real patriot, and he doesn’t take no crap about soggy cereal.”
This dedication to preserving crunchiness led to both his canonization and, now his downfall.
Cap’n Crunch’s trial begins Thursday, and it’s expected to be one of the most anticipated trials since L.A. Law went off the air. Crunch will almost certainly be court-martialed, and his rights to bear Crunch-Berries may also be in danger. “If they take away my Berries, the Soggies will have won,” Crunch said, suddenly becoming sullen. “My whole life’s work will be ruined! It’ll all be for oatmeal! Just nothing but... SOG!”
Kellogg’s is uncertain what actions to take. “If he is a war criminal, that puts us in a bad spot,” says Joe Gioh, Major Genr’l of Kelloggs. “People don’t like cereal named after baddies -- ‘Idi Amin Chex’ and ‘P.W. Botha with Raisins’ both flopped. But Crunch is still seen as a patriot by many, so we can’t rule out ‘Mr. Crunch,’ or ‘Private Citizen Crunch,’ or even ‘That Crunch Guy.’ We’ll just have to see how it all turns out.”
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