VICE PRESIDENTIAL COUNSELING

by Dan Tobin

 

Dick (frumpy, intense, smoldering anger just below the surface) and Jane (pretty, vivacious, slight southern drawl) approach Peter (incidental).

jANE

Hi, we have a five o'clock appointment with Dr. Gwen.

peter

You're here for marriage counseling?

DICK

Oh great, I think someone in the back there didn't hear you.

PETER

It's nothing to be ashamed of.  Lots of couples need to talk things out.

jANE

Yeah.  And I'm proud of you for doing this, Dick.

dICK

Whatever.

pETER

Okay, the doctor will see you now.

Dick and Jane cross to Gwen (sensible and bookish) and sit opposite her.

gwen

Dick, Jane, great to have you back.  How are you?

dick

Everything's been great.

jane

Mmmm, not really.

gWEN

Okay, let's talk about that.  Dick, tell me how things have been going since our last session.  You have two minutes.

dICK

Well, first I'd like to thank you, Gwen, for letting us come in to talk about our marriage today.  And I'd like to thank the Grife Counseling Center -- the magazines in the waiting room were very entertaining.  Basically, everything between Jane and I has been on a positive trajectory.  Ever since we got married four years ago, our house has only gotten bigger, safer, and with better wall-paper.  We're more financially secure, thanks to my Only-Eat-Out-Once-a-Week plan.  Household chores are being done at a higher percentage than ever before.  And our sex life has reached new peaks.  Without a doubt, our marriage is on the right track.

gWEN

Jane, ninety second rebuttal.

jANE

Let me start by saying how much I also appreciate your help here, and what a great job everyone at the Grife Counseling Center has done.  The issue today is truth, and my husband continues to misrepresent our lives together.  The house looks better in some places, but the fact is we have mice.  And instead of catching the mice, he has diverted our resources from mouse-catching so he could spray for mosquitoes.  He's set a couple of mouse traps himself, but we can't do this alone.  Right now, we've absorbed ninety percent of the mouse damage and ninety percent of the cost.  We need to build a coalition with the rest of the block and with outside exterminators.

dICK

See, Jane can't decide.  First she wants to catch the mice, then she doesn't want to fund the traps.  Which is it?  Are you for or against the mouse-catching?  You say, "Wrong infestation, wrong place, wrong time."  Mixed messages like this are not the key to a successful marriage.

JANE

I position has been consistent throughout.  I will hunt the mice down wherever they live and kill them.  But you have to listen to what my husband is saying and understand -- there is no connection between the mice and the mosquitoes.  There never has been.

dICK

You use mixed messages.  Go fuck yourself.

gWEN

Okay, new topic.  A big issue you both brought up when you first started counseling was your sex life.  How's the sex been lately?  Jane?

jANE

Gwen, there is a growing orgasm deficit in this household.  Dick got a prescription for Viagra claiming our sex life would improve, and that I would have a surplus of orgasms.  But in the last four months, he hasn't made me scream bloody murder even once.  The fact is, he's no longer interested in sex and he needs the Viagra to try to get himself interested.  But he just goes through the motions.  I can do better.  And help is on the way. 

GWEN

Dick, ninety seconds.

dICK

Look, the reason Jane keeps bringing up Viagra is as a smokescreen.  Jane doesn't want to talk about her record of physical fitness.  Her ass has expanded at an unprecedented rate.  Her thighs are enormous.  And her hoo-ha isn't exactly tight any more.  Not to mention that she did wake the neighbors screaming on my birthday.  So which is it?  Do you come or not?  These mixed messages for purely sexual gain just don't cut it.

GWEN

Jane, thirty seconds?

jANE

Dick can't get it up, he promised orgasms, we boink once every two weeks and when we do he barely puts his back into it, now we're facing the greatest orgasm deficit of my lifetime, and I faked it on your birthday.

GWEN

Dick, care to respond?

dICK

I'll just let Jane's record speak for itself.  And remind Jane, go fuck yourself.

jANE

Yeah, lately I've had to.

GWEN

Okay then, moving on.  Dick, your brother George seems to have a great influence in your life.

dICK

Yes, George runs our cake-decorating business.  He's a great leader, strong, decisive, and he does frosting flowers better than anyone I've ever met.

jANE

If George is so strong, then why have all the jokes for the last three years been that you actually run the business?  That you tell George where to put the flowers?  George is a dimwit.

DICK

Oh, and I suppose you want your friend John to take over.

JANE

John went to cake decorating school while George was doing coke in Alabama.  The fact is, Dick, your former company, the Halliburton Butter and Egg factory received a no-bid contract to supply ingredients to the cake store.

DICK

Halliburton this, Halliburton that.  It doesn't matter if Halliburton did something wrong.  All that matters is that your bringing it up makes it a smokescreen.

JANE

A smokescreen like your bringing up this so-called flip-flopping?

gWEN

Okay, calm down.  Everyone take a deep breath.  Jane, you've complained that Dick hasn't been doing the dishes.  How's that going?

jANE

Ever since Dick has taken over the dishes, there are spots on the glasses, pans sit for days soaking in water.  No dish left behind?  Try most dishes left behind.  And you want to talk about mixed messages?  First he's against scrubbing bubbles, then he's for it.  First he's against a dish wand that dispenses soap, then he's for it.  We deserve better.

dICK

Jane's facts are just wrong.  Early in life, Jane and I made choices.  She bought a dishwasher, I devoted my life to washing dishes.  I wash, I dry, I am fully committed to doing the dishes.

jANE

Dick, I can't take any more of your lies about Iraq.

gWEN

What?

DICK

Huh?

jANE

That's right.  This is all about a rack -- a dish rack.  We haven't been drying our dishes on a rack because the one we bought in 1991 broke.  We got another one, but that broke, too.  Dick and George said they would fix a rack, but it'sa mess and gets worse by the day.  Dishes fall out every day.  More dishes broke in September than in August, more in August than July, more in July than in June.

DICK

Again, Jane's facts are wrong.  The pools of water that collect there attract a rare variety of mosquito.  So there is a connection between a rack and the Al Qaeda mosquito.  The dishes are safer than they were before.

jANE

Can you say anything without the subtext being "go fuck yourself"?

dICK

I don't have to.

JANE

Uh, yes you do.

gWEN

Okay, maybe we should take a time out here.

DICK

No.  You don't get it Jane -- you're going to stay married to me no matter what I do.  I can lie about finances and the orgasm deficit, I can say one thing and do another when it comes to a rack, I can even give favors to Halliburton.  The fact is, I installed the burglar alarm, I own the gun, you feel safer with me and George.  You're going to stay married to me.

JANE

No, Dick.  I walked down the aisle with Al in 2000, but George went and changed the name on the marriage license.  You guys stole that wedding.  And I've lived through four years of this madness.  But I'm leaving you.

DICK

I can show you five polls that say you're staying.

JANE

Dick, you can't insult this household's intelligence by refusing to talk about the real issues, by only talking about mixed messages, trying to get out on a technicality.  But you and George fucked things up.  You have admit your mistakes and try to correct them.  But you won't, so it's over.  Be out by January.

dICK

Go f-- oh, why bother?

Gwen stands up and removes herself from the scene.

gWEN

Well, we've seen some interest back and forth here tonight, haven't we?  Hello, my name is [REAL NAME].  Tonight's performance has been marginally funny, but it also has a larger purpose.  This election is being decided by about ten states and the swing voters too lazy to learn about the candidates themselves.  We've invited some swing voters to watch tonight and make snap judgements for each side to harp on for the next week.

Gwen walks into the audience and pulls out Billy (button-down conservative).

gWEN (CONT'D)

Hello, sir.  Any new thoughts based on intangibles and appearances?

billy

Well, I thought the play was a little heavy on the F-word, and some of the metaphors felt strained.  Also, I thought the so-called "Dick Cheney" character came off as mean. 

GWEN

But he is mean.

BILLY

Well, yeah.  But he didn't have to say so.

GWEN

Do you think the play will affect how you vote in November?

BILLY

Oh, God no.  I mean, Cheney's more likely to die in office than Bush.  And Kerry looks like he could wrestle a horse.  These guys are going christen ships and dedicate statues.

GWEN

Okay, let's talk to another stubbornly uninformed swing voter.

Gwen approaches Stephen (deep southern drawl).

gWEN (CONT'D)

What about you, sir?  What did you think of the play tonight?

stephen

Well, I thought it was interesting that the "John Edwards" character was played by a woman.  Because we all know, womens is the weaker gender.  And this play just shows us all that them there Democrats is the weaker party.

Suddenly, Dan Tobin (me) stands up in the audience.

dan tobin

Uh, hi.  My name's Dan Tobin, I actually wrote the play.

gwEN

Oh, great.  What do you have to say to your audience?

DAN TOBIN

Would you have like sit better if it was a marriage between two men?

sTEPHEN

Uh, no, we believe marriage is between a man and a woman.  Which is to say: sorry, fags.

DAN TOBIN

Well, that makes a lot of sense.  Which is to say: go fuck yourself.

sTEPHEN

I can live with that.

bILLY

Yeah.  Me, too.

gwen

All right then!  Onto the next play...

THE END