In making a film, you can do it quickly and well, but it’ll cost you a bundle. You can do it cheaply and well, but it’ll take forever. Or you can do it quickly and cheaply, but it’ll suck. Fast, cheap, or good – choose two, sacrifice the third. Somehow, our project took forever, cost too much, and... didn’t really suck.

No problem arose that couldn’t be solved by throwing money at it. Okay, it actually took money and a fair amount of finagling. Two days before the first day of shooting, when we learned we’d need a Class B license to drive our grip truck, we found a Teamster who’d do it for $100. Oh, and we’d also have to shuttle him to and from his car during the shoot. Then when he didn’t feel like doing Day 2 (or didn’t like our shuttler), we found another Teamster who’d do it for $200. Of course, then we had to hide that sum from the electricians who were being paid much less, and from the D.P. who was working pro bono.

So we weathered that storm, but would we survive the lies? An electrician promised us free lights, then called me with good news: “I can get the package for $1400.” Our A.D. promised us shooting schedules and set-work, then printed us out a blank calendar and moved to New York. Our student producer volunteered to get us free permits, dollies, and equipment, and then when we needed him went to Six Flags instead. Our editor made us wait a month, then another two weeks, then bailed before seeing even a frame of footage.

I don’t honestly think these people were trying to sabotage us. They probably wanted to help, thought they should offer, and then were unprepared to make good on their offers when we called their bluffs. I mean, how many people actually make the projects they talk about incessantly? So in our naïveté, we believed them every time. Well, we never really believed the guy who said he’d get us Angelina Jolie. I mean, I like to dream big, but this was three days after she won the Oscar.

So we paid for our lights and permits, and it cost a bundle. Our new A.D. and editor worked for free, but when you’re not paying people, it’s hard to make them change their schedules around yours, so it took forever. So, it was expensive and slow, it would have to be great, right? Sure... except for the whole scenes ruined by an idiot sound recordist. And the close-up with an obvious, odious lens flare. And the crucial scenes we either didn’t have time to shoot or never realized we needed in the first place. And...

No, no, no. In the end, I am extremely proud to say that this short film... does not suck.

-Dan Tobin