"You Never
Can Tell"
Written by
Dan Tobin
Int. Military recruiting office - day
Colonel Blackpot, a distinguished man with an outwardly upbeat attitude, sits at his desk. Private Asimov, a fully brainwashed young soldier who yells his every sentence, enters. Colonel Blackpot's upbeat attitude does not extend to Asimov, for whom he has little patience.
BLACKPOT
Is the next recruit here?
ASIMOV
Sir, yes, sir! Sir, he appears to be somewhat soft and perhaps unwilling to serve his country, sir.
BLACKPOT
Remind me -„ did I ask for your opinion, Asimov?
ASIMOV
Sir, no, sir.
BLACKPOT
Do you think you're somehow qualified to give an opinion?
ASIMOV
Sir, no, sir.
BLACKPOT
Please enlighten me. I'm only a highly decorated colonel who spent three years in a POW tiger cage. Your opinion matters. You, who didn't even bother to serve in Vietnam.
ASIMOV
Sir, I wasn't born yet, sir.
BLACKPOT
Just bring in the recruit.
ASIMOV
Sir, yes, sir.
Asimov exits.
BLACKPOT
(under his breath) Damn generation X.
Asimov returns with Farley, a young slacker who exudes no discernible sexuality.
ASIMOV
Sir, this is the new recruit, sir.
BLACKPOT
So, you want to join the Army, do you?
FARLEY
Actually, that's why I'm here. I got your invite, and I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have to pass. Thanks, though, and good luck with your war.
BLACKPOT
I'm sorry, "invite"? Do you mean your draft notice?
FARLEY
That's what this meeting process is for, right? To separate the wheat from the chaff. And I'm here to say, I am chaff.
BLACKPOT
You look fine to me.
FARLEY
I have flat feet.
BLACKPOT
(off file) Not according to your physical. Mr. Farley, many people think they won't make good soldiers. Just take Asimov here.
ASIMOV
Sir, yes, sir.
BLACKPOT
(livid) Speak when spoken to, not when spoken about, Asimov! (then, brightly, to Farley) He was out of shape with no killer instinct. Now look at him. Asimov, how much can you bench press, and how many innocent civilians have you shot?
ASIMOV
Sir, the answer to both questions is three hundred, sir.
BLACKPOT
See? He got a medal for that. You may not think you'll make a good soldier, but you will. You'll get a medal, too. Maybe several.
FARLEY
This isn't about me looking at the glass half-empty. I really just wouldn't be any good at war.
BLACKPOT
You just need self-confidence. We can fix that.
FARLEY
I'm out of shape.
BLACKPOT
We can fix that, too.
FARLEY
I'm morally opposing to killing.
BLACKPOT
(delighted) Oh, we can certainly fix that!
FARLEY
I don't take orders well, I'm messy, I look bad with short hair...
BLACKPOT
We've drafted you and you're going to serve in the Army, attitude be damned. You're not much now, but it's nothing six weeks of boot camp can't fix.
A beat.
FARLEY
I already said flat feet?
BLACKPOT
You did.
FARLEY
Right. (thinks) Did I mention I was gay?
A beat.
BLACKPOT
Now, we'll need to arrange an eye exam.
FARLEY
Aha! Yes, I'm gay.
BLACKPOT
(ignoring him) And you'll need to take a leave of absence from your job.
FARLEY
Hey, I'm said I'm gay.
Colonel Blackpot clears his throat uncomfortably.
FARLEY (CONT"D)
I'm a homosexual.
Colonel Blackpot taps his fingers nervously.
FARLEY (CONT"D)
I have no interest in women.
Colonel Blackpot checks his watch anxiously.
FARLEY (CONT"D)
I enjoy having sex with other men.
ASIMOV
Sir, permission to advance menacingly on the recruit, sir.
BLACKPOT
Permission denied. You really put the Ass in Asimov, don't you? The private will shut his mouth and not move a muscle until I say so, is that absolutely clear?
ASIMOV
Sir-- (catches himself, shuts up)
BLACKPOT
Excellent. (to Farley) Now as I was saying, we can provide you with a letter to send to your employer...
FARLEY
Wait, wait, what am I missing here? Do you allow gays in the military now?
BLACKPOT
We do not.
FARLEY
All right. Well, I just told you I'm gay.
BLACKPOT
...you can't tell me that.
FARLEY
But I just did.
BLACKPOT
But you can't.
FARLEY
But I did.
BLACKPOT
But you can't. The military has a very strict "Don't ask, don't tell" policy, therefore you can't tell me, which means you didn't tell me, which means for all I know, you get a hard-on reading "Playboy" like the rest of us. Now, how tall are you?
FARLEY
Look, I'm gay, and if you draft me, you're letting gays in the military.
BLACKPOT
Oh, but we don't let gays in the military.
FARLEY
Okay then.
BLACKPOT
Height?
FARLEY
If gays aren't allowed in the military, how can you draft me?
BLACKPOT
I don't know that you're gay.
FARLEY
I'm gay.
BLACKPOT
You can't tell me that. If you did, it would be in direct violation of military practice and I could be subject to a dishonorable discharge.
FARLEY
(sly) "Discharge"?
A beat.
BLACKPOT
I'm not entirely sure, but that seems like something else you can't tell me.
FARLEY
I didn't tell you anything. I just raised my eyebrow and repeated what you said in a sly voice.
BLACKPOT
Yes, well, I'm afraid that's forbidden, too.
FARLEY
So it's don't ask, don't tell, don't make any kind of innuendo whatsoever?
BLACKPOT
Homosexual innuendo, yes. It's something the Army is very firm on, and the rules are very tight.
FARLEY
"Very firm, very tight." Got it.
Asimov restrains a giggle.
BLACKPOT
Height?
FARLEY
So you can't ask, and I can't tell, and you can't even guess by context clues.
BLACKPOT
Exactly.
Farley thinks for a beat, then gives Asimov a big, wet, sloppy kiss on the mouth. Asimov stands still throughout.
FARLEY
Does that make me gay?
BLACKPOT
It would be against the rules to ask your motivation, so I can only assume you acted honorably. Perhaps you feared Private Asimov had stopped breathing and were administering CPR. I can only assume it was a heroic act, and therefore you deserve a medal.
FARLEY
No, that was a man expressing love for another man. Gay gay gay.
BLACKPOT
You can't tell me that.
ASIMOV
Sir, permission to leave the room, sir.
BLACKPOT
Asimov! Did you manage to speak without moving a muscle? Have you defied the laws of nature? Shall I call the New England Journal of Medicine to do a profile on the amazing Private Asimov?
ASIMOV
Sir, the Private is feeling very uncomfortable, sir.
BLACKPOT
(incredulous) Uncomfortable? Perhaps you'd be more comfortable in a POW tiger cage for three years? This is the Army! I said keep still and I don't care how many recruits slip you the tongue, you will hold your head high and you will do your part for America! Is that understood?
A beat.
ASIMOV
Sir, wouldn't that make me gay, sir?
FARLEY
I think he's got a point.
BLACKPOT
No, he's both asking and telling, which is doubly forbidden. Asimov, I should run your ass up the flagpole.
FARLEY
Okay, now you sound a little gay, Colonel.
BLACKPOT
You watch it, son. I spent three years in a POW tiger cage
FARLEY
Yeah, you mentioned that. Can we get back to the me being gay thing? I just kissed your private on the mouth.
The colonel sizes up farley for a beat... then kisses Private Asimov on the mouth.
BLACKPOT
(TO FARLEY) Happy?
ASIMOV
Sir, not especially, sir.
BLACKPOT
Mr. Farley, you're just trying to exploit the armed services' confusing policies of homophobia, and I'm not buying what you're selling.
FARLEY
So you don't think I'm gay?
BLACKPOT
That shirt with those shoes? No.
FARLEY
(caught) But I've got flat feet...
BLACKPOT
I'm calling your bluff, Mr. Farley. You're not the first to try and "Will and Grace" your way out of the Army, so I'm assigning you to the Extremely Light Infantry. It's boot camp, but along with calisthenics and riflery, they have drag balls and bitch sessions. If you are truly gay, think of it as a little vacation. But if you're just trying to pull a fast one on Uncle Sam, you'll crack soon enough and we'll see you at the real boot camp.
FARLEY
And if I last, I'm out?
BLACKPOT
Oh, we'll find a use for you. You could sew uniforms, redecorate the barracks, help oversee weight training. You could even entertain the troops -„ we now have separate platoons for Ethel Mermans and Liza Minellis. (confidentially) It's best to keep them separated.
FARLEY
(shocked) So you do let gays in the military.
BLACKPOT
Oh, no, of course we don't. But we do let gays near the military. Separate but equal... except for the equal part. They don't get to fight and be killed, but they do still get to give up their lives for their country. And they still get medals. Except their medals are a bit more flamboyant.
FARLEY
So I'm in the Army no matter what.
BLACKPOT
It appears that way, yes.
FARLEY
Well, screw it, I'll take regular boot camp.
BLACKPOT
That's a good soldier. See that, Asimov? He came around.
ASIMOV
(ASHEN) Sir, well done, sir.
Asimov brings over some papers which Farley begins signing.
FARLEY
So the U.S. government's built an entire military infrastructure for alternative lifestyles.
BLACKPOT
Yes, it appears they have.
FARLEY
And all this work is just to keep gays out of the military and preserve this ridiculous "Don't ask, don't tell" policy?
BLACKPOT
Yes and yes.
FARLEY
Uh-huh. And how much does something like this cost us taxpayers?
BLACKPOT
Whoo... don't ask.
The curtain falls.