Less Than Perfect
#217
"Love Stinks (Sometimes)"
Dan Tobin
Directed by
Ted Wass
Production Office
Bungalow 18 WRITER'S SECOND DRAFT
© 2004, Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. All rights reserved. This material is the exclusive property of Touchstone Television Productions, LLC and is intended solely for the use of its personnel. Distribution to unauthorized persons or reproduction, in whole or in part, without the written consent of Touchstone Television Productions, LLC is strictly prohibited.
#217
"Love Stinks (Sometimes)"
Writer's Second Draft
Kipp............................. Zachary Levi
Ramona........................... Sherri Shepherd
Lydia............................ Andrea Parker
Owen............................. Andy Dick
Will............................. Eric Roberts
Carl............................. Will Sasso
Jeb.............................. Patrick Warburton
Bill Walton...................... Himself
Mitch............................ William Ragsdale
Norm............................. Gil Zuniga
Maitre d'........................ Jonathan Tipton Meyers
act one
scene a
int. Cafeteria - LUNCH (day 1)
(Mitch, Claude, Ramona, Carl, Owen, Will)
Ramona and claude are getting food when they see Mitch, a young news writer, sitting at a table.
CLAUDE
Ooh, so remember I said there was a cute new guy on my floor?
rAMONA
The head news writer guy?
CLAUDE
I think that's his official title. Come meet him.
they approach mitch.
mITCH
Hey there, Claude.
CLAUDE
Hi, Mitch. This is Ramona from payroll.
mITCH
(SHAKES HER HAND) Mitch Hurwitz. You probably know me better as tax ID number 010-29--
rAMONA
You're all just numbers to me.
cLAUDE
I like your shirt, Mitch. Very snappy.
MITCH
Yeah, I'm into the two-sleevers. They're covered up by my jacket right now, but trust me, they're there. Really cover up the old pythons.
CLAUDE
That's a good quality for a shirt.
MITCH
You got that right, missy. Anyway, I ought to run, I'm swamped. My desk is pretty much a lily pad. In a swamp. Of work. I'm off.
CLAUDE
I'll see you around.
mitch exits as claude and raMONA SIT.
CLAUDE (CONT'D)
Isn't he so cute?
rAMONA
Cute, odd, whatever you want to call it. But if you like him, ask him out.
CLAUDE
Oh yeah, right! (MOCK PHONE CALL) "Hi, Mitch, will you go out with me?" (THEN) Okay, that actually doesn't sound that hard, but it's not me. I'm not one of those sophisticated New York women who takes charge and... has a satisfying romantic life.
RAMONA
You have to put yourself out there, Claude. Four million men in this city, you deserve at least one or two. Plus an emergency booty call on the side. I know, I'm a hopeless romantic.
Angle on: carl re-stocks steam trays as owen approaches.
OWEN
What's up, Carlos?
Carl
Hey, brother. I think I finally decided what to buy with money I win in fantasy basketball -- a bathroom door. Should give the apartment a whole different feel.
OWEN
I have to admit, I'm still don't get this fantasy basketball thing.
CARL
Okay, the league's made up of ten guys who work here, we took turns choosing NBA players for our fantasy "teams."
OWEN
You're an awfully good explainer.
CARL
When real basketball games happen, you get credit for how the players you chose actually did. So if a guy scores thirty points, your fantasy team gets thirty. The team with the most points in different categories wins.
OWEN
And in basketball, "points" are good?
CARL
How do you not get this? Your team's in third place.
OWEN
I just chose players with funny names. The teasing probably motivates them.
Will approaches.
CARL
Will Butler?! Welcome, my good man. Can I interest you in some lunch?
wILL
Sure thing, buddy. I'll take a burger, fries, and Shaquille O'Neal.
OWEN
I didn't see that on the menu.
CaRL
I think Will's offering me a fantasy basketball trade.
WiLL
I'd give you a good player, plus I can improve your life in other ways. Maybe you'd like a couch down here?
CARL
I'm good with my three-legged ottoman.
WILL
Couch and recliner set? Genuine imitation leather.
OWEN
Ooh, Carl, make the trade!
caRL
I'm sorry, Shaq's not for sale.
WILL
Everything's for sale. I just need to figure out your price.
Will walks away.
OWEN
I didn't understand anything you guys were saying, but I'm totally pumped.
caRL
Me, too. Fantasy sports are so much more exciting than the ones where you have to run around and stuff.
Cut to:
Act one
Scene b
Int. 22ND FLOOR, OUTSIDE THE PLEXIGLAS - later (DAY 1)
(Jeb, Lydia)
LYDIA IS AT HER DESK AS JEB WALKS BY.
jeB
Gorgeous.
LYDIA
More gorgeous.
JEB
Impossible.
LYDIA
Agreed.
a beat.
JEB
All right then.
Jeb starts off.
LYDIA
Hey, are we having dinner tonight?
JEB
Tonight? Sorry, toots, all booked up.
LYDIA
Well, that's fine. I needed to cancel anyway if we had plans.
JEB
Everybody wins.
Jeb starts off again.
LYDIA
Yeah, I'm going out with a Saudi prince. Who's also a kick-boxing champion. And millionaire.
JEB
Sounds like quite an evening. Good thing I went to my Plan B.
LYDIA
Plan B?
JEB
Indeed.
jeb starts off one more time.
LYDIA
Jeb, I made up that Saudi stuff. Although it is loosely based on my personal history. I don't have plans tonight. I just... Who's Plan B?
JEB
Okay, I think I see what you're really doing. Why the games, Lydia? Do I strike you as a gamesman?
LYDIA
I just want to know if we're exclusive or if we're dating other people.
JEB
Are you dating other people?
LYDIA
I asked you first.
JEB
I would want to know your answer before I gave mine.
LYDIA
I asked you first.
kipp approaches.
kIPP
Hey look, everyone at work who speaks to me, collected at one desk. Talk about time-efficiency.
LYDIA
Kipp, we're kind of in the middle of a conversation here.
KIPP
Got it. (SITS) Catch me up.
jEB
I ought to go anyway. Kipp, my office in ten. Wear something you can get dirty.
jeb walks off.
lYDIA
Kipp. Sweetie. Honey. You're ruining my life.
kIPP
What? My best friend and my boss right here -- didn't you hear what I said about time efficiency?
LYDIA
Jeb and I are in a critical period. I think we're exclusive, but I can't say it first. I was trying to figure out his end and then you came in and third-wheeled me out of the conversation.
KIPP
That's ridiculous. This didn't happen when I was dating that Italian girl.
LYDIA
That's because you were in Italy. I'm sorry, but this is important. I'm putting you on hiatus indefinitely.
lydia walks away.
KIPP
Well, fine, I don't need you. I can hang out with... wow, I'm screwed.
Reset to:
Int. Snack area - cONTINUOUS
Claude sits with ramona.
ClAUDE
I just brought Mitch a coffee and told him how much I liked going out to coffee, especially coffee houses, and he said he liked that, too... and that was where it ended. He had no idea what I was doing. Completely clueless.
RAMONA
I've yet to meet a man with a clue. It's just how they're built. You're going to have to ask him out.
CLAUDE
But I don't even know him. Usually I'm friends with someone a long time and then we get drunk and accidentally kiss and don't talk for a month and then go out for, like, a week and then screw it up and hate each other forever.
RAMONA
Yeah, my way sounds much less fun.
CLAUDE
For all I know, Mitch is married, or gay, or dating someone... or all three, which would really suck for his wife.
RAMONA
Okay, that much I can find out. I'm like the J. Edgar Hoover of GNB. In fact, he had these same shoes.
CLAUDE
I don't know, Ramona.
RAMONA
Would you rather get drunk and accidentally kiss Carl?
a beat.
CLAUDE
You think you can find out about Mitch today?
Cut to:
Act one
Scene c
Int. 22ND FLOOR, OUTSIDE THE PLEXIGLAS - later (DAY 1)
(Ramona, Owen, Carl, Mitch, Will)
CARL and owen are on either side of kipp playing with his hair.
cARL
Is it water-proof?
KIPP
Don't touch it!
oWEN
It never seems to get longer either.
KIPP
Leave me alone!
Ramona enters and pulls owen and carl aside.
OWEN
Why'd you call us up here?
caRL
Yeah, what's our mission?
ramona points back toward mitch at the fax machine.
RAMONA
I checked the withholding on Mitch's pay stubs. Not married. And FYI, raking it in. You two find out if he's straight and available. Good luck, Angels.
Ramona exits to the elevator. owen and carl exhale dramatically and stretch their necks like boxers before a match. they nod at each other and Carl approaches mitch.
caRL
Hey, buddy, I'm expanding the cookie selection in the cafeteria. If I served animal crackers, which would you prefer -- lions or unicorns?
MITCH
I don't think they make unicorns.
cARL
No, of course not. Okay... ginger snaps or gingerbread men?
MITCH
Honestly, I'm not really a cookie guy.
CARL
Wow. I don't know what to say.
Carl returns to owen.
caRL (CONT'D)
(COVERING) Primed him for you.
Owen nods and approaches mitch.
oWEN
Mitch Hurwitz, hello. Owen Kronsky, supplies. I'm putting in for the new 2004 staplers -- you wouldn't believe the torque on these puppies. We're expanding supplies into the home now. Would you maybe like a unit for your... partner?
MITCH
I'm okay.
OWEN
Why, girlfriend not into stapling? Or not into existing?
MITCH
If you really have to know, she dumped me last month for my best friend.
OWEN
Outstanding.
Owen returns to carl.
OWEN (CONT'D)
And that's how you do that.
owen and carl pound fists and head for the elevator, where they're stopped by will.
WILL
Okay, you give me Shaq, I give you Allen Iverson. And when they show the newsroom during tonight's broadcast, you can be at a desk, typing away.
OWEN
Oh, that's very, very good.
CARL
How about I give you Shaq and a free hot dog any time you want, you give me Tim Duncan and floor seats to the Knicks. Away from Spike Lee.
OWEN
Oh, that's much, much better.
WILL
I'm not sure you understand how powerful I am. Make the trade.
caRL
Sorry, dude. I'd rather keep Shaq.
WILL
That's a big mistake, pal. One you're going to live to really regret.
Will exits toward his office.
OWEN
Not only did you just call Will Butler "dude," you risked your entire job future over a very low-stakes game.
caRL
It was pretty cool, wasn't it?
OWEN
I'm thinking of writing a folk song about it.
Cut to:
Act one
Scene d
Int. 22ND FLOOR, behind THE PLEXIGLAS/outside the plexiglas - lATER (DAY 1)
(Claude, Lydia, Ramona, Jeb, Mitch)
Tight on: Claude laughing.
CLAUDE
Oh, Mitch, you're too funny. And you know what else is funny? Life. It's just a wild ride that eats you up and spits you out, and if you can laugh, you've got it made. We should keep laughing, and maybe we can even do that sometime over dinner...?
Widen to reveal: ramona and owen with claude at her desk.
RAMONA
Good first effort. Might want to trim it down a little, though.
oWEN
I got sort of lost in the middle, but I'm used to being confused.
CLAUDE
Wouldn't it be easier to spend months manipulating Mitch into asking me out? Men make forty percent more than we do, let them earn it.
oWEN
You have to create your own destiny.
RAMONA
What are you, a fortune cookie?
OWEN
They can be very wise.
CLAUDE
The cookie's right. I'm going to do this before I forget my speech.
rAMONA
Actually, try to forget your speech.
CLAUDE
Good, because I kind of did.
Claude exits toward the bullpen.
Reset to:
Int. outside the plexiglas - cONTINUOUS
lydia is at her desk as jeb approaches.
jEB
Gorgeous.
lYDIA
(BRUSQUE) Yeah, I know.
a beat.
JEB
Very well then.
jeb walks away as lydia sneaks a hopeful peek at him, then pounds her desk in frustration.
angle on: Claude walks up to mitch at his desk.
CLAUDE
Hey, Mitch. How's Will's broadcast coming?
MITCH
Why, am I late turning in my copy? Did Will send you to check on me?
CLAUDE
No, I'm just asking about your job, trying to find out about what makes you tick.
MITCH
It's a fine Swiss mechanism. I have to be wound twice a day.
CLAUDE
See, you're funny. And you know what else is funny? Life. It's a wild ride that eats you up and spits you out and... Wow, I didn't forget it. Look, you seem nice and fun and I think maybe I'd like to spend time with you do you see what I'm doing here?
MITCH
Are you... asking me out?
CLAUDE
Yes, and I think I've done a good job and I guess I'll see you around.
claude starts to leave.
MITCH
Wait, I didn't say yes yet. You didn't give me time to practice, but I say it all the time, I think I can pull it off. Yes. Nice, stuck the landing.
CLAUDE
Great. How about tomorrow?
MITCH
You name the place, I'll take you out. You asked, paying's the least I can do.
CLAUDE
Yeah, I did kind of do the bulk of the work.
a beat.
MITCH
Just name a place.
CLAUDE
I can't think of one.
MITCH
Anywhere you want.
CLAUDE
(BLURTING) Laurino's.
MITCH
It's a date.
CLAUDE
Great, I'll have my assistant set it up. I'm kidding, I don't have an assistant, I am an assistant, I'm going to go back to my desk now. Bye.
claude heads back to her desk.
reset to:
int. beHIND THE PLEXIGLAS - cONTINUOUS
claude saunters in to find ramona and owen.
rAMONA
Well?
cLAUDE
He sits thirty feet away, so no big reactions. But he said yes.
owen and ramona stifle their excitement.
RAMONA
(CALM) Congratulations.
oWEN
(STOIC) Yes, good show, Claude.
a beat as they all nod at each other.
cLAUDE
(EXPLODES) Ohmigod it's so cool!
as claude, owen, and ramona celebrate, we:
Fade out:
End of act one
Act two
Scene e
Int. 22ND FLOOR, snack area - the next morning (day 2)
(Ramona, Claude, Carl, Lydia, Owen)
ramona and owen are getting bagels and cream cheese from the fridge while carl and claude sit at the table.
cLAUDE
So I just grabbed him by the two-sleeved shirt and said, "Dinner tomorrow night, buster, and you're paying."
cARL
Is that really how it went down?
CLAUDE
Well, the end result's the same, so I figured I can tell it any way I want.
ramona and owen join them.
oWEN
Does Miss Assertive want a bagel?
CLAUDE
Actually, I found this dress in my closet that I've never worn because it only fit in the store -- and trust me, anyone peeping in the dressing room thought I looked really hot. Anyway, if I want it to fit tonight, I can't eat all day.
caRL
Yet another reason I'm thankful I'm not a woman.
carl takes a monstrous bite of bagel.
rAMONA
You never said where you're going.
CLAUDE
Well, I'm trying not to think about it.
oWEN
The brew pub at the airport? That cheap bastard.
CLAUDE
No, Mitch let me choose and I kind of panicked and the only place I could think of was Laurino's.
ramona/Carl/owen
Whoa./Yow./Hot diggity.
CLAUDE
I know! I only make reservations for Will there, and now I'm having dinner at a place where the salad costs as much as my last haircut.
OWEN
Just order the burger. Every place has a burger.
CaRL
I think it's a state law.
CLAUDE
It's not just that. I'm used to dating assistants to people like Mitch. Not only does he know what he wants to do with his life, he's doing it.
cARL
That whole thing's overrated.
cLAUDE
I mean, Mitch puts the words in Will Butler's mouth. And sure, I put the lunch in Will's mouth, but his is a bigger deal. I'm going to a real restaurant with a guy who has a real job. This might be out of my league.
RAMONA
Honey, Will's out of your league. Russell Crowe, if he's not singing. Mitch is president of your league.
oWEN
And anyway, it's too late. You're going on the date, the worst that happens is you screw up in a way that causes several people to be killed. (CHOMPS BAGEL) You'll be fine.
cut to:
act two
scene H
int. will's office - later (DAY 2)
(Claude, Will)
claude enters to find will at his desk.
cLAUDE
Couple messages -- your interview with Tony Blair fell through. (NO REACTION) And Carl said it'll take more than donuts for him to trade Shaq.
WILL
God dammit! What's wrong with that guy? Time to move to Phase Three.
CLAUDE
Will, I'm going to Laurino's tonight and I don't know what I'm doing.
wILl
Okay, the little fork's for salad, the little little fork's for dessert...
CLAUDE
No, I'm okay on silverware. It's everything else. I've never had a multi-fork date and I'm not sure I can pull it off.
WILL
You want to look like you know what you're doing when you actually don't.
CLAUDE
Is that incredibly lame?
WILL
No, I was telling you my personal mantra. Sit. (OFFERING) Chocolate?
CLAUDE
(REACHES, RECONSIDERS) Maybe tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow.
WILL
Okay, when you get there, fold up a twenty and slip it in Pasquale's hand.
CLAUDE
Bribe the maitre d', got it.
WILL
To drink -- dirty martini, don't bruise the grapes. You'll be able to get it down, and you'll sound good ordering.
CLAUDE
Great. How did you learn all this?
WILL
When I was nineteen, I spent a summer as Jackie O's personal cabana boy. You can't buy that kind of education.
Cut to:
Act two
Scene j
Int. cafeteria - lunch (day 2)
(Kipp, Owen, Lydia, Carl, Beverage Guy)
Kipp is sitting by himself when lydia approaches.
lYDIA
Mind if I join you?
kIPP
I thought you cut me loose.
lYDIA
Not when I have gossip like this -- the GNB weatherman got butt implants.
kIPP
See, I'd heard cheek implants, but I assumed they were the cheeks upstairs.
LYDIA
Apparently if he sits down too hard, he bounces right back up.
They laugh.
KIPP
I miss this. You and I being horrible to everyone who isn't us.
LYDIA
We've got a good thing going.
KIPP
Well, we did until Jeb came along.
LYDIA
No kidding. Hey, you know how you can get back at him? Find out if he's dating other people.
KIPP
I knew this was too catty to be true.
LYDIA
Come on, you're his assistant. You have access to information I couldn't possibly get without spending money online.
KIPP
And why would I want to help this relationship?
LYDIA
Don't you want to do something kind for a friend?
A beat, then they both laugh.
KIPP
Seriously, though. Last time I got between you and Jeb, I got fired for almost the whole afternoon.
LYDIA
I'll set you up with that young widow in my building.
KIPP
The one who's always crying?
LYDIA
She's a pilates instructor. Very limber...
KIPP
Fine, when she's done grieving, I'll talk to Jeb.
LYDIA
Rrrr!
Angle on: owen stands near carl, who is receiving a delivery from the BEVERAGE guy.
CARL
(CHECKING SHEET) Wait, this is all grape soda. We're supposed to get a variety of beverages -- a cornucopia of sodas, milks, mineral waters, and that horrible wonderful yogurt you drink.
oWEN
Ooh, I'll have one of those.
CARL
You can't because it's all grape soda!
beverage guy
That's so weird. Maybe you should trade the soda for other beverages.
caRL
"Trade"? (REALIZING) He got to you, didn't he?
OWEN
Will sabotaged the beverage delivery? Is nothing sacred to that man?!
CARL
(TO BEVERAGE GUY) You tell Will Butler that Shaq plays for me and nobody else! Well, except the Lakers in real life, but this is not real life. This is about something much bigger -- my imaginary basketball team.
beverage guy
Suit yourself, grapey.
The BEVERAGE GUY exits.
OWEN
Have you ever tasted grape soda? For the good of the whole building, you have to make that trade.
caRL
Lose Shaq and my pride? No deal, my friend. No deal.
Cut to:
Act two
Scene k
Int. Laurino's restaurant - that evening (night 2)
(Claude, Mitch, Maitre D', Mustachioed Man)
Claude and mitch enter the very hip restaurant. claude approaches a mustachioed man standing near the guest register. cooler-than-cool, she palms him a folded twenty.
cLAUDE
Pasquale, great to see you again.
claude winks at him and returns to mitch, who's seen this.
mITCH
Look at you and your well-placed bribe.
CLAUDE
Hey, they treat us regulars with respect, I like to return the favor.
a hostess leads claude and mitch off. a beat, then a maitre d' enters carrying a red jacket and approaches the mustachioed man.
maitre d'
Okay, Norm, here's your valet's jacket.
angle on: claude and mitch at a table.
mITCH
I am starved. I've barely eaten all day.
cLAUDE
Well, fancy that.
mITCH
It's nice to see you out of the office. I feel like I'm getting more of the real Claude now.
cLAUDE
Most assuredly you are. This is more my natural environment.
MITCH
Oh, me, too. It's kind of a load off to know your words aren't going to end up on the national news.
CLAUDE
Except when (WHISPERING AND POINTING) Sam Donaldson's at the next table.
mITCH
(LOOKING AROUND) Where?
clAUDE
So gullible. I hope you're more on your toes writing the news.
MITCH
Maybe my guard's just down in the presence of a beautiful woman.
Claude blushes as the drinks arrive.
CLAUDE
(SIPS) Ooh, very dirty. Just the way I like it.
Cut to:
Act two
Scene l
Int. 22ND FLOOR, behind the plexiglas - same time (NIGHT 2)
(Kipp, Jeb)
Kipp is hanging up the phone as jeb enters.
KIPP
Henry Kissinger still won't take your call.
JEB
Hmm, if we can't crack him, I may have to go to my backup segment.
KIPP
"Why I Hate Pennies"?
JEB
I have more passion about that one anyway. (SITS) Appreciate you staying late, camper.
kIPP
Well, I appreciate you appreciating me.
JEB
Don't twist my words. (THEN) So, you're friends with Lydia...
KIPP
I'm staying out of it.
JEB
I want us to be exclusive, but I can't tell her if she's dating other people.
KIPP
You two are so dysfunctionally right for each other. Regardless, I don't want to get involved.
JEB
Kipp, this job can be research and Henry Kissinger, or it can be dry cleaning and calisthenics. What kind of job do you want?
A beat.
KIPP
You guys are exclusive but both of you are too chicken to admit it. Happy?
JEB
Do I look happy?
KIPP
You never look happy. Can I go home now?
JEB
Sure. I can wait till tomorrow to teach you not to sass your elders. Add it to my schedule.
Cut to:
Act two
Scene M
Int. Laurino's restaurant/bathroom - later (night 2)
(Mitch, Claude)
Claude finisheS her martini and has a good buzz. As mitch talks aND TALKS, she tries to spear her olive with a toothpick, but she's drank away all her coordination.
mITCH
...I mean, that's fluff. My name's on that broadcast and I'll be damned if I tarnish the Mitch Hurwitz legacy. That's not what I went to Yale for.
clAUDE
Me either. I wish they'd bring us that bread. (MUNCHES ON OLIVE) I think the bread would really do me a lot of good.
MITCH
Do you want another drink?
CLAUDE
No, this one's really getting it done.
a dizzy claude tries to steady herself by concentrating really hard on mitch.
MITCH
You know the problem with GNB news?
CLAUDE
Fluff?
MITCH
Everything. The future's in on-demand, interactive broadcasting and GNB is so behind the times, it isn't even funny.
CLAUDE
Well, duh. Exactly my point.
Claude's head is swimming. she trieS folding and re-folding her hands and arms hoping this will sober her up. it doesn't.
MITCH
No, Claude, I'm telling you -- GNB will wither and die without major change. And if you think the current board is prepared for that, you're crazy!
the dizziness is too much and now some nausea has crept in.
CLAUDE
Would you excuse me a second?
Claude gets up and quickly exits to the bathroom.
Reset to:
Int. Laurino's bathroom - cONTINUOUS
Claude enters the lounge area of a swanky bathroom. She splashes water on her face, then plunks down in a comfy chair. an exiting woman looks at her strangely.
ClAUDE
I'm just going to rest here a minute. All I've eaten today is a gin-soaked olive. Delicious, but not enough.
Claude closes her eyes and sits back.
smash Cut to:
Act two
Scene P
Int. Laurino's bathroom/restaurant - shortly later (night 2)
(Claude, Mustachioed Man)
the bathroom is exactly as we left it as claude wakes up in the chair.
CLAUDE
Ooh, that helped. Okay.
claude gets up, adjusts her hair in the mirror, and exits.
Reset to:
Int. Laurino's restaurant - cONTINUOUS
Claude enters to find all the chairs up on tables the mustachioed man sweeping up.
CLAUDE
Oh no! (TO MAN) Mitch didn't leave a forwarding address, did he? Of course not. I suck. Have you ever done this kind of thing, Pasquale? Not eaten all day and gotten drunk and fallen asleep in the bathroom and ruined your date?
mustachioed MAN
ËAblo espa–ol?
CLAUDE
Okay, I really should eat something.
Cut to:
Act two
Scene S
Int. cAFETERIA - the neXT morning (DAY 3)
(Bill Walton, Owen, Carl)
OWEN is there as bill walton approaches. carl is nearby.
bILL WALTON
Are you Carl?
OWEN
Are you here to deliver the right soda?
bILL WALTON
No, I have bigger fish to fry.
OWEN
Ohhhh, I see what's going on. Carl, the Fish Guy's here.
caRL
Whoa, Bill Walton! I assume you're here for my famous waffles.
biLL WALTON
I need you to trade Shaq to Will Butler.
caRL
I don't believe this. How'd he get you to do this?
BILL WALTON
We're part of the same private jet timeshare. The point is, your team is horrible. If you make this trade, you can rebuild and... (NOTICING OWEN) Hey, is that a Jerry Garcia tie?
oWEN
Gift from Carl. He's more of a Grateful Dead fan than I am.
BILL WALTON
What's your favorite Dead album?
cARL
Their studio output really doesn't hold up to the live shows.
BILL WALTON
It makes me sad that today's youth will never experience the transcendent beauty of the live Dead.
CARL
Amen to that.
BILL WALTON
Okay, new plan. I'll put together a trade that helps a true Dead fan. And you get me some of those waffles.
oWEN
Do it before the giant changes his mind!
Cut to:
Act two
Scene t
Int. 22nd floor, outside the plexiglas/snack area - later (day 3)
(Jeb, Lydia, Kipp)
Lydia is at her desk as jeb approaches.
jEB
Looking well today.
lYDIA
I got a facial this morning.
beat.
jEB
Rather dry in here.
LYDIA
It's okay.
beat.
JEB
Think we should be exclusive.
LYDIA
That would be nice.
beat.
jEB
Supposed to rain later.
LYDIA
I brought an umbrella.
Jeb exits as Kipp approaches.
LYDIA (CONT'D)
I think I owe you a date with a flexible widow.
KIPP
How about I just schedule Jeb a weekly lunch with Will, give us some time to trash everyone properly?
LYDIA
I wouldn't have to eat lunch, would I?
KIPP
Welcome back.
Reset to:
Int. snack area - cONTINUOUS
Claude and ramona are there.
CLAUDE
And when I woke up, he was gone. Let's face it -- little Claude Casey from Pittsburgh just isn't ready for a sophisticated, grown-up date.
rAMONA
You just over-prepared. The starvation, the coaching from Will -- if you'd just gone with the flow, you'd be telling me about Mitch's sheets now.
CLAUDE
You're probably right. The more I plan, the worse I do. From now on, I'm taking it as it comes.
RAMONA
Mitch is coming over.
CLAUDE
But I'm not prepared!
Mitch arrives.
MITCH
Claude, I think I know why you left last night.
rAMONA
I don't work on this floor, how'd I get here? Bye.
ramona SCURRIES OFF.
MITCH
I came on way too strong about the news and Yale and... I wanted to apologize.
CLAUDE
Well... yeah. Your views were most objectionable and I will not tolerate that.
MITCH
I was just nervous because I'd never been asked out before. I was trying to impress you, and boy did that backfire.
CLAUDE
Do you want to go on a second first date?
MITCH
You'd be willing to do that?
CLAUDE
Have a seat. You wouldn't believe how romantic this snack area can be. Want a bagel?
MITCH
I brought your meal from last night. Want to split it?
CLAUDE
Definitely. (GETS IT) See? Laurino's food, Claude's atmosphere. (SETTLES IN) Yeah, I could tell you were trying pretty hard to work it last night.
MITCH
I hear you tipped the valet.
CLAUDE
Getting opinionated again.
MITCH
Shutting up.
cut to:
act two
scene X
int. will'S OFFICE - later (day 3)
(Will, Bill Walton)
will is looking over some papers with bill walton.
wILL
No disrespect, but this trade doesn't make sense. I don't get Shaq, and I'm pretty sure that guy's got a bad ankle.
BILL WALTON
Make the trade. Throw it down, big man!
WILL
I don't understand what happened.
BILL WALTON
I couldn't double-cross a Dead fan.
WILL
What, that band? I like the Dead, too.
BILL WALTON
Name one of their songs.
a beat.
WILL
Fine, I'll just call Charles Barkley.
FADE OUT.
End of show