George Bush is my friend

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: Nancy Pelosama bin Laden

Man, 2006 started out strong, then the wheels really came off near the end. The last week or so was totally up and down — Jesus had his birthday (yay!) but Uncle Gerry took one last pratfall into the big Oval Office in the sky (boo!). Saddam also took a big sand nap, but Iraq didn’t snap right into line and open a Walmart the next day. (WTF?!) And now Pelosama and her minions are taking over Congress? I saw her plan for the first 100 hours and it’s a bigger laugh than Larry the Cable Guy’s last DVD. Let me tear the meat off these like ribs at Ironworks:

We will start by cleaning up Congress, breaking the link between lobbyists and legislation and commit to pay-as-you-go, no new deficit spending. Figures — a skirt takes over and the first thing she wants to do is clean the house: “Let’s dust and bake muffins!” Seems pointless — the way the liberal media covered it, I thought getting rid of Gaybramoff meant Congress was a bunch of boy scouts now. (Better keep ‘em away from Mark Foley, LOL!) And no new deficit spending? Great, the Speaker can whip up some lemon bars and we’ll have a bake sale to fund the War on Terror and that beaner-proof fence. Brilliant.

We will make our nation safer and we will begin by implementing the recommendations of the independent, bipartisan 9/11 Commission. BORING. That thing came out YEARS ago, back when I could still make a Sox fan like you cry by chanting 1918. Plus, that report barely even blamed Clinton for 9/11, not to mention Ted Kennedy, Al Franken, and the Dixie Chicks. Deport all of them and we can talk about defending the homeland… from gay marriage and flag burning, that is!

We will make our economy fairer, and we will begin by raising the minimum wage. We will not pass a pay raise for Congress until there is an increase in the minimum wage. I’m sure raising the minimum wage won’t have ANY effect on the burrito class. Why not just change the name of our country to the United States of Mexico? Plus, you guys always want it both ways. You say I protect the rich, but then you want to make everyone rich by raising the minimum wage. Stick with one soundbite already!

We will make health care more affordable for all Americans, and we will begin by fixing the Medicare prescription drug program, putting seniors first by negotiating lower drug prices. We will also promote stem cell research to offer real hope to the millions of American families who suffer from devastating diseases. I can see the headline now: “Pelosi fixated on selling drugs.” As for the second part, here’s how you seem to think the medical system should work:

GUY: Boo-hoo, I got AIDS from gay sex.
PELOSI: Here, kill this baby.
GUY: Wow, I’m cured! I should go destroy the family unit by marrying a dude!
PELOSI: In the next 100 hours we’ll make gay marriage mandatory.
MICHAEL J. FOX: Hey, maybe killing babies will help my Parkinson’s AND my acting career!
PELOSI: Only one way to find out.

When will you people learn that killing babies is only okay if the babies live in Iraqistan and therefore planned 9/11?

We will broaden college opportunity, and we will begin by cutting interest rates for student loans in half. Sure, help the nerds on this end. By the time they graduate, all the best jobs will be in India and China, and with these awesome new bankruptcy laws, we’ll get ‘em on the other end.

We will energize America by achieving energy independence, and we will begin by rolling back the multi-billion dollar subsidies for Big Oil. Did you not hear me when I said that we are addicted to oil? Well, if you’re addicted to heroin, do you try to replace it with windmills? No, a good addict KEEPS DOING HEROIN. Duh. Some people don’t know this, but I once has a problem with liquor. (The problem is it was awesome!!!) You know how I kicked that? With a little vitamin JC. And we all know Jesus loves Texas, and Texas loves oil… you’re not gonna second-guess my savior, are you?

We will guarantee a dignified retirement, and we will begin by fighting any attempt to privatize Social Security. If Pelosama’s saying it, than it must hurt America, and privatizing does sound like the kind of thing I’d be into but… yeah, I’d better ask Mr. Cheney. Social Security kind of got lost in all that important business about fags and flags. But it all paid off at the voting booth, right? FU, Mr. Rove.

So yeah, these 100 hours should at least let me dust off my special veto pen (it makes noises like the Picture Pages one). And if 2007 starts to turn out like I expect, something tells me a lot of wood’s gonna get chopped in Crawford…

Happy Jew Year!

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: re: weather or not? NOT!

Good to hear you’re getting such Texasy weather. Man, 60+ degrees in Boston on December 1? All I can say is… you’re welcome, bitch.

That’s right. I’m not saying global warming is for reals, at least no more of a real thing than the Easter bunny or a woman who drives well. (Oh snap!) But if you want to believe all that hooey, then I guess you should be thankng me for helping keep the globe warm. Every nice day this winter, you should be like, “Thank you, Mr. President, you may spy on us at will.” Every hour you spend not shoveling snow should buy me one more brown guy I can torture. I won’t stand by and let you deny me credit for encouraging global warming! If it exists.

The liberal media was sitting around jerking each other off about this big Congressional revolution last month, but it’s a perfect example of how Democraps will screw it all up. You have a majority now, but you’ll probably just go and fix global warming and put us in another ice age. And if you thought Laura was frigid, wait till you see the voters in wool hats and mittens.

Of course, global warming is as much lefty bullplop as evolution and the idea that rain isn’t just God crying. All these rising temperatures the last several years are a series of crazy coincidences. Stringing them together and interpreting them using science is witchcraft, plain and simple. Oh, on an unrelated note I have to attend a baptism later today and think about the Rapture.

And if it is getting warmer, I have my own theories. For instance, maybe hell gets a little closer to earth every time two homos tie the knot. Ever think of that, Mr. Smart Guy? Probably not. Maybe the world isn’t getting hotter, but WE’RE getting colder. Hmm? See, this is why I got into Yale and you didn’t.

You see Nip/Tuck this week? Now Julia AND Sean are getting freaky with dwarves? Seriously, I watched that episode and the next day the temperature went up three degrees. I’m just sayin’.

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: cranberry barbecue sauce

Happy Thanksgiving, queef. I’m in a bad mood this year (no doy!) so I’ve decided not to pardon the turkey. Hang him like Saddam! I mean, every time I look at a turkey, all I can see is that Terrorcrat Chris Dodd.

Bitch wants to undo my terror protection bill! Whereas I want to stuff chestnut stuffing up his ass and serve him with cranberry sauce. And I think my plan’s got a better chance of happening than his…

It’s gonna be a lonely Thanksgiving. I’m not allowed to play with Mr. Rumsfeld any more because Laura thinks he’s a bad influence. Mr. Rove’s busy working on his resume. Mr. Cheney can’t be in the same room as gravy or he gets a little-bitty heart attack. The twins are coming in, but all they want to do is play Beirut and show each other their tits. I offered to shotgun a Diet Pepsi, but they say I’ve lost my edge. I wish they could have seen me in the ’80s. They’d be begging for mercy.

But, you know, I’ve still got a lot to be thankful for. Maybe not as much as last year, but still a lot, like…

1. Vacation. Yeah, I think we all know how this “bipartisanship” is gonna play out. Three months of gridlock, then I retire to Crawford to clear brush for the rest of my term. Which, honestly, is kind of how I’ve always wanted it.

2. Twinkies. Remember Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald and his Plame investigation? Remember John Conyers’ talk of impeachment? Twinkies can survive nuclear war, and my administration is full of Twinkies (and maybe an impending nuclear war, LOL!). Rummy was more of a Ding-Dong, but the rest of us are the #1 snack cake. Twinkministration in the hizzouse!

3. Cowboys!!! T-Ro and T.O. may not be Troy Gaykman and Rapey Irvin, but they’re a hell of a lot better than Drew Bledsuck & Cherry Glenn. If I wanted to root for the ‘96 Pats, I would have raised the minimum wage and driven some chick off a bridge down the Cape, you know? If they can spank the Colts, you gotta like ‘em tomorrow against the Suckaneers. And I like ‘em any way that gets the Cowboy cheerleaders onscreen! Boob tube indeed!

4. Laura. Sometimes I feel like she’s the only one who still likes me, still really gets what the Dubya’s all about. Sure, O’Reilly still finds me sexy, but he’s into some sick shit. (Again, wish he’d had my number in the ’80s.) Anyway, the first lady kicks ass and I’m getting that bitch flowers. How do you spell FTD? (Kidding… I have it written down.)

Anyway, have a good time eating tofurkey or crying for dead Indians or however it is hippies spend Thanksgiving. Just make sure to root for Cowboys, otherwise the terrorists win. And by terrorists, of course, I mean the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: you homos asked, this hetero answwerws

It’s not every day a sitting President spends his remaining political capital to answer homos’ questions on a commie’s blog. But Dan Tobin is my friend, so here we go:

George are you right handed or left handed? (Charles In Charge)
Let me tell you, Baio, the only thing left about me is Little Dubya when there’s a fag sitting to my right.

Knowing your past history and penchant for misdirection why don’t you legalize weed so everyone will forget about the mockery you are making of Iraq, America, the Constitution, the Presidency, Homeland Security and instead focus on keeping darkies from corrupting nice innocent girls like the twinz. That should get everyone in a rile and you can go about your business of wiping your ass with the Bill of Rights. (W. Tha Fag)
You know, Sir Fagsalot, there was a time I thought I could solve all my problems with alcohol and drugs. I thought I could just pour myself a glass of golden-brown, delicious, wonderful whiskey, let that fine burn ease down and warm my belly the way nothing else in the world can. I thought everything would be okay with a little coke and sympathy, the rush of a bump and that amazing feeling of power and vitality. But then I found Jesus, and no matter what some pothead junkie tells you, hardcord Christianity is so much better than knocking back Jamesons and snorting coke of the thighs of half-drunk sorority chicks who let you feel them up under the bleachers. GOD I wish I had a time machine. Anyway, if you rearrange the letters in “pot” it spells “sin,” so no go.

Since you were so good at selling everyone on this Iraq war (and who cares now if they’ve got buyer’s remorse, right?), when your production deal in Washington has been ankled, and since Congress has gone into turnaround, would you like to be my rep out here in Hollywood? That whole WMD/Al Qaida connection was as far-fetched as some of the scripts I’ve written. (Michael)
I don’t know much about Hollyweird, M&M&M. Maybe get Colin Powell a meeting at Paramount to say your script poses an imminent threat of being optioned by Warner Brothers. And also that Disney used chemical weapons on its own people. Or try to sell it to the Miramax New York office, saying they should buy the script over there so they don’t have to buy it back at home. Hey, maybe I will be your agent. Can you get me a meeting at Gersh?

How relieved are you to still have Lieberman, though, eh? Silly Dems who think they have the Senate……they never learn…… (Sloth)
Hey there, Tri-toe, Jew-Lieb’s the best Democrat you’ve got. And if he makes his party-time grand and old, he loses all his power (except for control of the media and the banks, LOL!). So he’ll stay blue, or at least bluish. You know, true to his bluedaism.

This is sub-Saturday Night Live level “humor” (anonymous)
Um, have you never watched Jeopardy, Einstein? That’s not a question at all. Sweet merciful crap, you might even be dumber than me…

As opposed to the PhD-level “criticism” you’re offering up, Anony? (Meaghan)
Hey, give the ‘tard a break, Sugar-Tits. She gets extra credit for figuring out how to make the computer box talk on the internets.

Does Tobin, the Liberal-Commie-Jerkwad speak with an annoying South Shore Towny-ish accent? (Andrew)
To be honest, Diceman, I’ve never heard the damned dirty hippie yapping his jaws. But with his views, I always assumed he had a French accent. And a lisp.

what is laura like when she gets her freak on? (jj)
Kind of a personal question, Dynomite. But I’ll tell you about this one role-play we did. I was Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and she was Lyndie England. First I got on all fours, naked, and she pointed at me with a candy cigarette in her mouth. Then she “waterboarded” me, but instead jamming water in my mouth, she used… you know. Her vagina. And if you think that’s torture, then I’ve got a marriage covenant for you in Massachusetts! It was all pretty hot. Maybe some other time I’ll tell you about playing Al Green and pretending we’re Condi & Colin “transitioning diplomacy strategies.” Black sex is so much hotter when there are no black people around.

what do you think of these recent developments: Iran seems to be very close (and very determined) to having nuclear weapons. (N.R. Scott)
Okay, Crapzilla, get your facts straight. North Korea’s the one with the nuclear weapons. And that’s why we’re in Iraq. Why am I the only one who understands this?

Britney finally dumped K-Fed.
I feel bad for the little weasel. Dude lands a major league hottie and the whole world can’t wait for him to get his honky ass dumped. Why, because he’s a squirrel-shootin’, trailer-ownin’, tobacky-chewin’ real American? This is a chick who once got boned by the dude from Limp Bizkit — she’s not exactly Grace Kelley. So as Prexy, I’m down with the the Federaline.

Emmit Smith — one-time hero of Texas — may win a show called Dancing with the Stars.
Firstly, don’t even get me started on the Cowboys and Drew Bledsuck. And firstly, if he had lost to freakin’ A.C. Slater, that would have been an even bigger disgrace than wearing a Cardinals uniform. Burn!

Trent Lott is again in leadership in the senate.
He’s proven he has the right Republican values to oversee the rebuilding of New Orleans. Maybe Mr. Cheney who once voted against creating MLK Day can help him out?

Lost isn’t going to be new again until sometime in 2007
I mean, I’m curious to see which piece of ass Sawyer nails next, but it’s not grabbing me this season. If it doesn’t start getting better, I’m sending J.J. Abrams to Guantanamo until he tells me how the polar bears got there. I mean, it’s a tropical island!

and B) could your approval rating be any lower, and what would it take for that to happen?
I guess I could dissolve the congress and declare martial law. But I wasn’t planning on doing that until late 2008 after Osama Obama’s elected…

What did you and Cheney say to each other as you watched the election results come in last Tuesday? (Julie)
I was busy playing Freecell most of the night, but I heard Mr. Cheney shot the TV in the face.

Would you ever go hunting with Dick?
If they ever open impeachment hearings, yeah, it might be easier to put on a duck costume.

What do you think of Rudy Guiliani for President in 2008?
You just like him because his name’s Julie-ani. I dunno. I saw that movie Rudy, and I thought he was pretty good, but when he led the whole team through the tunnel, I almost cried, and I don’t know if you want a president making people cry. At least not boy people.

And finally, what are you getting me for Christmas?
What, a Democratic majority in both houses and among governors isn’t enough? Fine, I’ll get you a Tickle-Me-Mark-Foley doll. Although you’re not quite its target audience…

Hey, this was fun! Harder-hitting questions than Fox News ever asked me, but no real stumpers — thank God! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in the bathroom with some Nivea lotion and a copy of my answer to Sir Fagsalot’s question…

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: QW

So maybe I spent the political capital I earned in 2004. Maybe I overspent and kinda went into debt. Maybe America got so fed up that they voted for terrorists in this last election. Whatev! It’s still my country and I’m still its fearless (fearsome?) leader for a few more years. If we’re gonna move forward, we gots to take a cue from Queen Latifah and go for U.N.I.T.Y. Who you callin’ a bitch?

So let me start by reaching out to the seven lameoids who read your little blog thing. That’s right, I will answer your readers’ questions, Tobin. W answer Q. Leave ‘em in the comments or email them directly, and I, George W. Bush, President of the United Fucking States, will answer whatever you ask. Also, I’ll assign them a nickname based on how big a homo they are. And knowing who would read a blog like yours, I’m guessing there are some LIMP wrists.

Answers Thursday or Friday, bitch.

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: calm

I just want to get through one day — ONE — without the freakin’ sky falling on me. You must just eating your bleeding heart out this week. Tuesday, the House. Wednesday, Rumsfeld. Thursday, the Senate. Today, I don’t know, Michael Moore kills Osama with his bare hands?

Yeah, Congress was one big ice-cream sundae, and Rumsfeld leaving must have been the cherry on top, huh? Well, excuse me if I pop your cherry, but Rummy’s a hero, and more man than you’ll ever be, and he doesn’t deserve you FUCKHEADS always–

I’m sorry, I’m in an emotional place. It’s just… this is the first time one of my bosses had to quit. None of them are doing too well. Mr. Cheney was hunting all day Tuesday, and word is he shot half the entire Wymoing bar association in the face. Nobody’s heard from Mr. Rove, but I hear he’s on a bender for the ages. One of my friends at Texas Titties texted me that they saw him knocking back whiskey and telling all the girls, “Nice Iraq.”

And it’s a bad time to have less guidance — this whole unitary theory of the preisdency only works if Congress is all bobbleheads. If I want to get anything done now, I’ll have to run it by these homos I’ve been saying are in bed with Al Qaeda. I was really counting on that permanent Republican majority lasting longer than two years. Oops.

Yeah, you kow what time it is? Time for a vacation.

What do you think about this whole Lost half-season thing? I was sad about Meesta Eko — macaca or no, he was the only one on that show who got his God on. And what’s up with those two newbies hanging around, the bizarro Boone and sister? If there’s one thing I’ve learned this week, it’s beware of new faces. THEY BRING NOTHING BUT PAIN!

Okay, gotta go schedule an emergency weekend of wood-chopping and brush-clearing.

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: Fuck me gently with a chainsaw

Didn’t watch any election results last night. Mr. Rove came in to tell me something, but I was like, “Dude, I’m watching Nip/Tuck. I gotta see if Julia fucks the dwarf again.” I fell asleep in front of the tube, and when I woke up I went online and saw this headline on the web:

Whitehouse wins

I started jumping up and down and punching the air. “Yeah, yeah!” I was screaming. “Don’t mess with the G.O. muthafuh’n P! Everyone was predicting wins for those God-hating, terrorist-loving, tax-raising, baby-killing homocrats, but they didn’t recognize and respeck the awesome power of my homeboy JC and the mighty mighty G.O.P.-Funk all-stars, baby!”

Then I found out I was reading The Providence Journal and they meant Sheldon Whitehouse, a Terrocrat. Not cool, man. Seriously, how am I supposed to keep Whitehouse, THE White House, and the House of Repetitives straight? So I don’t know if you heard it yet, but it turns out the Dorkocrats tricked enough pinkos to officially be in da House. You know I only called you baby-killers because I love you, right?

FUCK!

Still, there’s some reasons for hope:

• I haven’t run the numbers yet, but I’m pretty sure a 235-200 majority isn’t quite as strong as my 51% win in 2004. In other words, Defeatocraps may have won, but they didn’t earn the kind of political capital that helped put me where I am today.
• Senate’s still up for grabs, and even if the Jackasses snag 51, I’m shoring up my bases and just sent Jew Lieberman a huge basket of Mrs. Beasley’s, plus the nicest goddam hannukah menorah you’ll ever see in your goddam life. He’ll come around. Otherwise I’ll kiss him again.
• Speaker Pelosama is going to be a total she-bitch, but we’ll have a chance every month when she gets a visit from the redheaded stranger, if you know what I mean.
• We may still leg out the Senate race in Virginland. I hope George Allen sticks around so that when I run into him and the senator from Hawaii, I can do my old “Akaka, macaca. Macaca, Akaka” bit. Pure gold. Letterman should really stick to “Uma-Oprah” instead of hounding poor O’Reilly.

Anyway, I feel like this email is not unlike the call you got after the 2004 ALCS from your Yankees fan friend. Well, congrats, dick. Guess everyone’s allowed to win once in 86 years.

Today seems like as good a day as any to go off the wagon, yeah?

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: fwd: S.O.S.

Man, I woke up today and feel like I just found out there’s a math test I forgot to study for. WTF?! I usually love me some Tuesdays in November, but today, I could barely finish my Frosted Flakes. I hear I might even lose my house! Where will I live?

Come on, America. Don’t you care about our War of Terror? Didn’t you see how we sentenced Saddam to some Texas justice? Won’t be the first brownie I’ve seen dangling by his neck, and I gotta tellya, won’t be the last. You hear me, Obama? I mean Osama? Wow, weird Floydian slip…

:)

But I’m scared, buddy. Halloween was pretty scary this year (more spooks than Coretta Scott King’s funeral, LOL!) but it’s nothing compared to the terrifying idea of Congress raising the minimum wage. I got so scared, I wrote to my favorite political philosopher:

Forwarded message:

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: Homeboy [Christ]
Subject: S.O.S.

Are you there, God? It’s me, Dubya. Look, I know you’re busy planning the Rapture, so I’ll be brief.

Can you kill a bunch of Democrappy voters before Tuesday? Or at least give ‘em amnesia for a couple days or something? I’m scared they might win my house and pass laws based on reason and compassion instead of a few particularly crazy passages in your books. Please, Jees. PLEASE!

Bless yourself.

-W

I’m a little nervous because Jesus hasn’t been returning my calls since we started not waterboarding terror suspects. Still, I think He’ll come through. And even if he doesn’t, Mr. Rove must have SOME other November surprise up his sleeve, right?

Right?

RIGHT?!?!

Hold me.

-W

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: worst flamer ever

My dad had this friend who served in World War II and Korea, had his plane shot down, spent a few years as a POW, got a purple heart, made it home safe and sound. First week back, he’s at Mickey Dee’s, chokes on a french fry, and croaks without even finishing his shake. Dude makes it through two wars, ends up being killed by a potato.

Mark Foley is my potato.

I’m hearing Defeatocraps might win big in a week or two, turn this place into the United States of Al-Qaeda. And not because of Iraq, or torture, or wire-tapping, or the Plame leak, or Abu Ghraib, or record budget deficits, or America’s diminshed place in the world, or the nukes in North Korea, or intelligence failings that led to 9/11, or the Abramoff scandal, or the lies and coverups that go along with all those. No, the Republicans are about to choke on a french fry because some flamer couldn’t just jack off to Tiger Beat like a good closeted Log Cabiner. WTF?

Sucks, man! You say this was a do-nothing Congress, but we tried. Dems couldn’t raise the minimum wage, just like we couldn’t get a constitutional amendment banning flag burning. We saw an incredible problem facing America, and we tried to address it. That doesn’t sound like do-nothing to me. That sounds like do-something — do-something-awesome!

Now everyone’s so stuck on the Foley crap, they almost forget we tried to disenfranchise homosexuals who wanted health insurance for their lovers. We had big, wonderful ideas. It’s not our fault the Dems wanted to cut and run from legislating bigotry. Heck, they didn’t even try to pass ANY constitutional amendments and that sounds more like nothing than something!

Nov. 7 is fast approaching and I don’t think either of us want Nancy Pelosama two heartbeats away from menstruating all over the Constitution. If Mr. Rove doesn’t come up with something fast, we may have to go to Plan B: me bareknuckle boxing Saddam on Fox. Hell, maybe we should lead with that anyway…

-W

PS: You see that interview I gave on CNBC? “I tend not to email or — not only tend not to email, I don’t email, because of the different record requests that can happen to a president.” Ruined your whole blog in one sentence, didn’t I? Haha. Bitch.

From: Prexy43 [Bush]
To: LiberalJerkwad [Tobin]
Subject: I’ll be there for you, these four words I swear to you

You know, I’m getting tired of hearing how the Democraps might retake Congress this year. Let ‘em. People say my poll numbers are in the toilet and they have been months? Great. And the paper trail of my exaggerations, fabrications, and lies can’t stay hidden forever? Whatever, dude. Do I look like I care? Not when Operation Big Brother continues to be a wild success. I know, there’s a bad connotation with that term because of some song on Van Halen’s 1984 album or something. But I’ve been a big brother since ‘49, and I’ve been YOUR big brother since the Supreme Court stole me a new job back in ‘01. I AM big brother.

You know how much crap Jeb used to get for his fat face and taste for brown poontang? I beat ‘em all up, plus the darkies who used our water fountains when they had their own perfectly good ones across the park. Basically, I looked out for my peeps — you mess with Dre and you’re messin’ with Death Row. And I’m your Death Row, America. So don’t you forget it. Big Brother is watching out for you.

I mean it. The Patriot Act helped us protect you from foreign and liberal threats. We did up Iraq to stop WMD’s or Saddam being mean to Kurds or something War on Terror-y. I don’t know, I have it written down. Warrantless wiretapping was just to protect you from untapped terrorist wires. And now the torture bill is the latest piece of offense — don’t you see that everything I do is offensive? We spy on citizens, we start wars, we imprison random brown people, we torture prisoners of war… and we do it all for you, bitch. Big Brother protects you from bullies, meanies, and Al-Franqen.

The new bill boils down this: If WE do it, it’s not torture. The Geneva Conventions were a bunch of hippie BS that started with Clinton, right? Well, okay, they started under Hoover, and he was a pretty dope MC. But Truman was keeping my future chair warm when they revised them. And while he definitely makes the Hall of Fame for killing the most non-white enemies, his hands were pretty dirty with all that New Deal “help the poor” crap. Hippie Truman’s more like it.

Remember, we’re the good guys. It may look like torture to you, but Jesus is my homeboy, so it’s actually pretty fucking noble. When you have God on your side, all sorts of awful-looking behavior just becomes the Lord’s work. And Jesus died for my right to water-board camel-jockeys, not for your right to marry Adam and Steve.

So let the Democraps take Congress if they feel like it. Operation Big Brother is so far along now, it’s not like they can stop me. It’s not like they’d even know how. Big brothers always win. They also give noogies, so watch your head next time I see your candy-ass.

Happy Yom Kippur, hell-bound heathen!

-W